Story of my life :(
How to spot a social media douchebag? Look for these traits, they are a social media douchebag’s modus operandi:
- Call yourself Golden Ashby. (God I hope this is not the fucker’s real name)
- Create five Facebook profiles…because you know, it’s all about authenticity and being real on the social web.
- Give yourself inflated, fancy titles, such as the “Global Board of Directors”. That’s right, not just a regular board member…but a GLOBAL one. And also the social media dood for GNC (impressive!).
- Use stock photos in your profile picture. Yay realness!
(note to self: Find out who Golden and my mutual friends are and unfriend everyone of them.)
I really don’t know what’s wrong with my friends.
- Me: Eric, Gabe, and I are thinking of going to some dood's party to watch the Super Bowl. He's got a 100" TV!
- MG: Cool.
- Me: We can get you invited. Where are you gonna watch it from?
- MG: The Superdome...in New Orleans.
- Me: ...
Asian parking FTW. (at Appcelerator, Inc.)
Graph Search: “Female friends nearby that know how to cook.”
I had no idea this is what my Path profile looks like to others. Fml.
Living in San Francisco. Yup, looks right.
Birthday Present FML
Amy: Happy birthday! I got you reading glasses. They magnify what you’re reading by 2x.
Me: Wtf?! This is like for old people. Worst present ever, seriously.
Amy: Fine. I’ll just return them.
Me: Wait…actually…let me try them on… (FML)
Fernet Fml
- Amy: I got hit on like four times last night.
- Me: Really?! How did I not see this?
- Amy: All the guys would make their move when the Fernet shots showed up.
- Me: Fernet fml...
Welcome to Hell (aka the women’s shoe department). (Taken with instagram)
Path invites FML.
Best revenge…EVER.
Tattoo artist Ryan Fitzgerald from Dayton, OH was hit with a $100,000 lawsuit last week by his ex-girlfriend Rossie Brovent. She claims that her boyfriend was supposed to tattoo a scene from Narnia on her back but instead tattooed an image of a pile of excrement with flies buzzing around it.
Apparently, Ryan found out that Rossie had cheated with a long-time friend of his, but instead of confronting her about it he acted like everything was normal and hatched a plan for revenge. Originally, Rossie tried to have Ryan charged with assault, but the ingenious tattoo artist had covered his bases by plying Rossie with wine and tequila shots and getting her to sign a consent form that stated the design was “at the artist’s discretion.”
No word from Rossie on whether the illicit night of passion with Ryan’s friend was worth it. Moral of the story? Never cheat on a tattoo artist.
Good Breakfast FML
- Amy: Thanks for making breakfast. It was great!
- Me: Yea, I dated a lot after my divorce.
- Amy: ...
